Is Sex Inherently Disorderly?

For most people, sex defines the couple relationship and issues around it are certainly present in my therapy room.  Is sex inherently disorderly? When does it ever run smoothly? Ever since a certain man called Adam and a woman named Eve found themselves alone in a garden, sex has brought conflict and distress. They follow their desire, find sexual knowledge and are banished by parental authority to a life of drudgery(1). There is a paradoxical conflict between desire and security, as often one cancels the other out in long term relationships(2). The desire that brings many couples together frequently becomes the very disorder that separates them. Orderly sex might be a contradiction in terms since “all our stories of the madness of love are stories of impossible conflict”(3).


1.Clulow (Editor) (2009) Sex, Attachment and Couple Psychotherapy, Karnac
2.Emmy van Deurzen, Susan Iacovou (Editors) (2013) Existential Perspectives on Relationship Therapy, Palgrave Macmillan
3.Adam Phillips (2005) p.128, quoted in 1. above.

© Matt Davies 2013